What the hell is going on with JMH?

Ya know what? I haven’t a clue. Maybe some switches turned on, and maybe others turned off, but whatever the case, there is definitely some different lighting in my head.

I’d say that I’m pumped for this upcoming mission trip, especially since I earned the money to go. Before I was overwhelmed with worry that something would go wrong and I wouldn’t be able to make the money neccessary to go on the trip. I also want to point out that ever since last year when I went to camp Y-Noah for the C.I.T. (counselor in training) program, that I completely missed out on the opportunity to try to save some of the little rascals running amuck, or even an actual counselor for that matter. Since I won’t be going back their for the junior counselor program (enabling me to become an actual counselor), I feel like this is my only chance to redeem myself for my previous mistake.

If you haven’t been told by me yet, then I’ll spill the beans. My granny (on my mom’s side) has passed away as of yesterday in the early morning hours. From that information I can only assume she went in her sleep, which is practically the best way to go, in my opinion at least. When my mom told me she was clearly upset, and I wanted to be as well, but I just wasn’t able to produce any feelings of remorse. I tried looking solemn so my mom wouldn’t feel like I don’t care, but it didn’t really disturb me. I talked with B about it and what he told me confirmed my thoughts as to why I felt the way I did. He told me that she had lived a long life, and those who grow old do die, so feeling bad about her living a full life is stupid, especially if I didn’t know her to well. This I agree with completely, though I knew her fairly well. Sure I didn’t see her every day, or visit her frequently for that matter, but I grew up around her, and doing so created a bond between us. I know it sounds weird, but I felt that bond breaking when she started going into the hospital every year for various ailments. The thing that worries me is my mom, who went to work every day (where granny lived) and spent time with her despite her busy schedule. She grew up with her and went through much together, so letting her go won’t be easy. Knowing this I feel like I have to watch my every step so that she doesn’t know my unchanged condition, making the weak bond between us almost to the breaking point, if not over it.

With this said there will be calling hours on Thursday from 4-8pm, so I won’t be able to make the home-church.

Actually now that I think about it, I may just be in shock. It hasn’t really had a chance to sink in. Oh God I hope not.