A tale for a tail

Oh man I’ve messed up my grades to an extent that has never even been thought possible from anyone who knows me. I’m the kid that always gets A’s and 1 B on every report card, I rarely ever get straight A’s, and I rarely get anything more than or lower than 1 C. This time, however, I recieved 3 D’s, 2 B’s, and 2 A’s.

 3 D’s! That is greatly beyond anything remotely “expected of my abilities” (as so many people have said). This grading period has been one hell of a nightmare. After I dislocated my knee the 2nd time, I was able to get 2 days of school off for recovery. Over this short period of time so much work had accumulated that when I came back I was knocked down on my ass. I’m sure I posted it earlier somewhere on my blog, but that’s only the beginning.

I started working on my work, and worked some more. Then I went to school the next day and recieved even more work. After that I went home, passed out, and woke up in the late hours of night and continued working diligantly on my assignments. The next day of school left me with so much more work I was about to cry. It was a Friday though, so I figured I could get it all done over the weekend.

Friday night I didn’t work on anything, because I was so damn tired of it all. I was exhausted of all possible energies to keep me moving along. Saturday came and went with much thought of doing homework, but the thought of the past week made me want to vomit. Finally Sunday came around, and I forced myself to work on more homework so that I wouldn’t get so far behind.

This process continued for about 2 weeks, and all the while I was getting angrier, more easily provoked, more tired, and less caring than in a long time. I was slipping back into what people call depression. When it finally hit me, I stopped altogether. I stopped doing homework, I stopped paying attention in class, I stopped going to bible studies, I stopped being a friend, and I stopped caring about anything. Everything just seemed to exist, nothing special about any of it, but it all existed, and I watched it all go by.

With my new state of mind the work piled up, my friends quit caring, and everything seemed to fall apart. One day I decided to just not go to school, which resulted in a mark of truancy on my records, and the awareness of an angry mother. She grounded me from any outside contact except for school, resulting in what seemed an abandonment of faith to my friends.

All I had left in the world was my relation with Christ. I still prayed to him everyday, asking for help and thanking him for giving me the strength to go on (before the depression). I then prayed for my soul’s safety (during depression), since everything else left it out in the open ready to be attacked, but I still thanked him for everything he’s given me (including the trial that I was enduring).

After a while I realized that my ignorance was getting me nowhere except deeper into the hole I dug for myself. So one day, maybe a week after the depression hit (though it felt like a decade), I didn’t start caring, but I started doing my work. In that period of time my grades had dropped to the point where I had more F’s than anything else. I think I had 3 F’s, 1 D, 1 C, 1 B, and 1 A. Yeah, because I looked at them one day and realized: “A, B, C, D, F, F, F……what could come next in the pattern?”

So I started working again, but this time I had a lot of questions since I wasn’t paying attention in my classes, which really slowed my progress. Every night I prayed to the Lord asking for energy to complete my assignments, and for my friends to forgive me for what I’ve done to them all this time. The depression was still there, and I consistantly got headaches, but I did what I could.

Spring Break was close at hand, and that was the perfect opportunity for me to get all of my work done. Two weeks before Spring Break, I had talked with my guidance coulnselor about my situation, and he told me there wasn’t really anything he could do to help other than give me some tips about doing homework, and to talk with my teachers. I told him I wanted to drop my AP Chem. class (the class was in chapter 13 when I had begun working on chapter 11…..so in short I was more behind than an ass), but he insisted that I stick with it since it would look good for colleges to see that I took the advanced course. So that was it, I was stuck with all the crap I kept, and now had to flush it all away.

I talked with my AP chem. and AP stats. teachers (not at the same time though), and told them I needed help along with a brief summary of the situation I had put myself in. My chem teacher helped me so much since then that I would’ve kept the F I had in her class. My stats teacher gave me some quick refreshers on the material so that I could complete the homework assignments. I had F’s in both classes, but now I have a D in my chem class and a B in my stats class (though it’s counted as an A for my GPA).

I continued to do what I could to catch up, then Spring Break came. Once again on Friday I did absolutely nothing except rest for the week of work ahead. Being grounded kept me from going out with my friends, but after a weekend of work, my mom decided to cut me some slack. Finally I was able to hang out with the guys, but my previous attitude had left a nasty mark on our relations. I went out a lot between Monday and Wednesday, but Thursday came and I realized that I needed to stop and get back to work.

When Spring Break ended I came out with everything I needed for my math classes, a lot for my other classes. I was still behind, but not nearly as far as before. Hope started shining through the cracks of my depression, but it still overwhelmed me. That whole week I picked up the pace (everything ran a lot smoother after discovering I couldn’t turn in anything late in my creative writing class), and I was so close I could almost experience the joy of being caught up.

That’s when I started to slack. I began going to bible studies again (and that’s it since nobody I called or talked to wanted to hang out with me), which took a lot of time out of my school work. I stumbled, but was actually able to catch myself before falling back into that hole.

Then March 31st came. I was overjoyed since I spent the weekend doing more work, and getting closer to the feeling of being caught up. 3rd period came and I was overwhelmed with a different feeling. One of pain and hopelessness as my knee dislocated once again. Thank the Lord I was in school when it happened, because I was able to get my assignments and not have to get overwhelmed once more.

I felt humiliated wheeling myself through the school in a wheelchair that didn’t have any footrests (the nurse didn’t know how to put them on), so I had to hold my left leg up with my right leg. My classes are at all ends of the school, so I felt like I was showing the whole student body the embarrassment of using the wheelchair for such a minor injury. I would’ve used the crutches, but the ones they had at the school were too small for me. My previous blog goes into more detail about this event, so that’s all I’ll say about that.

The time at home was a great chance to take a break, which I did with the pride of doing so much work. Wednesday (4-2-08) I went back to school in my immobilizer and with crutches. This time everybody was mocking me for doing it again, and time after time after time in a smart-ass tone I was told to wear my brace by so many people. It got so old so fast that I just ignored them all after two days.

This was the last week of the grading period, so I had to hustle my crippled-self through the rest of my homework. I managed to get by with a lot more than I thought I ever could, but still suffered from my choices earlier in the quarter. The weekend came and I was able to talk a teacher or two into letting me turn my work in later than the end of the quarter (which was that Friday), so I had to work on two projects over the weekend on top of the regular assignments, all due Monday.

Of course I blew Friday off, but this time I began my work on Saturday. Nobody called me asking me if I needed a ride (they did each time for every event), so I wondered if there even was a CT. Finally I called Kyle around 5:30pm and asked him, which he replied with an “of course,” asked me why, and wished me luck on my homework.

During the time of CT, I decided to do a little bible study of my own, so I read 1 Thessalonians, and the first few chapters of Acts. What I read really spoke to me, like as though it was written for me, and I was amazed at how relevant everything was.

My favorite was 1 Thessalonians 4 (taken from http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=59&chapter=4&version=31)

1 Thessalonians 4

Living to Please God

 1Finally, brothers, we instructed you how to live in order to please God, as in fact you are living. Now we ask you and urge you in the Lord Jesus to do this more and more. 2For you know what instructions we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.

 3It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4that each of you should learn to control his own body^[a] in a way that is holy and honorable, 5not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; 6and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. 7For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. 8Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

 9Now about brotherly love we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other. 10And in fact, you do love all the brothers throughout Macedonia. Yet we urge you, brothers, to do so more and more.

 11Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, 12so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.

The Coming of the Lord

 13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord’s own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.

Ahhhhh…..just reading that alone gave me such strength that I was afraid to touch anything or else I’d destroy it. I prayed to the Lord thanking him for awakening me to a whole new experience, a whole new attitude, and a whole new life. I finished one project, and did about 50% of another, but the project I didn’t finish I showed my teacher (yesterday) and he said he’d extend my time to Friday. Everything good kept happening to me, and it felt like the Lord was giving me a pat on the back, and it still feels as such.

So in conclusion let me tell you, my brothers in Christ:

• Don’t quit. Don’t ignore you’re problems or just stop everything you’ve done. Have faith in the Lord and He will strengthen you.
• Hostility is damaging. Don’t return hate with hate, but also don’t ignore it. Deal with it, but don’t let it consume you. Talk about it, but don’t lash your tongue.
• Ask for help. Don’t assume you can take care of your problems alone, or in ”your way.”
• Learn what “love” really means. Lust is easily confused with love, and so don’t get carried away with hormones, but instead with a clear mind and a full heart.

I say these things from what I’ve learned in my own experiences, and in many teachings. It’s easy to falter, and don’t expect you’ll be perfect. The Lord has forgiven you of your sins, and so he forgives you of your mistakes. He has for me.