Holy hell, I never thought it would happen again, or at least so soon. Oh that brings back so many memories, but luckily this time the docs were quick with their business.

Long story short, my left leg was dislocated once again, and so now I have to endure recovery….luckily though I will be able to use my experiences from last time to make this event run more smoothly.

Funny thing is though, I made an oath to Christ, saying that if I hadn’t changed my old salty ways (this was while I was in the recovery room for the first incident), then this event would have to be repeated. If anything I take it as a sign saying: “hey, shut the hell up and get back to work.” Hahaha, that’s the one thing I really need to start doing again, before I forget how.

As Keith calls it, I’ve been in a “salty attitude” for a while now. It dawned on me when I looked around in my statistics class Friday and heard people talking about how shitty their life is, then say how much all the bad people suck, and finish off by making plans with their friends for the on-coming three day weekend. I sat there swimming in jealousy at how they are able to live such a great life that they complain about such small stuff, and it pissed me off at the fact that I will never be able to live in such simplicity.

It feels wrong to endure these feelings, but it’s hard to get out of an endless spiral of cascading filth onto my resistance. To sit there and ignore present issues is what gets me through the day, but that doesn’t mean the monkey on my back becomes lighter. Instead it feeds on my ignorance, and becomes even more of a burden. I’ve prayed to Christ everyday to help me through this, and I do what I can, but it’s just too much for me to handle, and I’ve begun to feel as though He isn’t helping. I’ve begun to feel as though I was left alone. I’ve begun to feel misery as I have before I met Christ.

I’m widely known as a whiner, a pouter, a weak minded infantile, but if I were to really get in depth with my feelings, then those names would be cemented into my identity. At this point in my life, I feel like it’s worth the labels.

The list isn’t lengthy, but it’s enough to keep me busy:

• I’ve gone through the last four years of my life without the real presence of a father. He calls, but I haven’t been in sights of the man I look up to the most, and it’s hard to look at someone who isn’t there.
• I live in an environment of solitude, or so it seems. All I have to look forward to when I come home are two dogs who run when I open my arms to them, and two adults who are either gone, or glued to the television. Just asking for a normal conversation requires a lot of effort between smart-ass remarks and a natural tendancy to change topics.
• My grades have slipped out of my hands like soap would in a prision shower, and so now I’m F’ed in the A. For example my chemistry teacher just gave us a take-home test. I looked over all of the questions, but didn’t understand a single one, so I tried using the book, analyzing the entire chapter for any help. Through my efforts I was only able to answer two of the ten questions. Friday I had none of my homework done due to my attempt to complete my chemistry test, and so suffered the experience of telling my teacher I didn’t have my homework done seven times. This now means I’m five creative writing stories, one pre calc assignment, one week’s worth of chemisty, half of an art project, thiry english vocabulary words, and four stats assignments behind.
• I have a real problem with commitment. I can’t keep any kind of real friendship for too long, and I hate going into detailed technical crap. I’ve also begun to drift from the church I once held so dear in my life. I can’t even take the time to exercise regularly, study german, or practice guitar. I have even gone as far as continually forgetting to use my retainer.

 It makes me wonder how I’m supposed to keep up now that I’m so far behind, how I’m supposed to develop a relationship with my mom that took me over seventeen years to ruin, how I’m supposed to have time to actually enjoy my life rather than writhe in its pains, or how I’m supposed to meet up with my father.

My personality has gone down the tubes as well. I feel like a lasher, with my words as my ammunition. I hate laughing, knowing that deep down I am in such pain. Amusement seems like a lie, and I utterly despise the very thought of being a liar.

I don’t want advice, I know what to do. I don’t want pity, it’s my own damn fault. I especially don’t want another task to be assigned “to help me out with my current situation.” What I need is a lot of time to myself, and a way to get out of school, out of this house, and out of this state of mind.

I’m not suicidal if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m not depressed if that’s what you’re pondering. I’m not giving up if that’s what you’re assuming. I’m venting it out, and I don’t want to hear anything in retaliation. If there weren’t vents in most machinery, then they would explode within a day.

Ohhhhhh…….I’ve been having logical debates about this topic (mostly with myself) and wow, I must be insane (sorry if the following offends anyone, I’m just portraying my thoughts, but in reality I’m not really for or against any real debate, I’m just a viewer, and nothing more).

Racism:

I’m not for it, but there is that fine line that many “victims” have crossed time and time again, which is really annoying. When someone of a different race comes up to me and says something completly rude and/or obnoxious (ie: move you racist crakka!), I’m sorry but it makes me want to punch them in the face.

The thing about racism is that it’s based on stereotypes, and most stereotypes aren’t ones to ease the mind. Some involve everyone having a gun and a motive to kill you, others involve terrorist threats, and others still include martial arts expertise. If I was alone and somebody with one of these stereotypes is really ticked at me for no reason, I’d probably die of fear the first time they moved.

Then there is the fact that they use these stereotypes to make their own image look better. Whether it be a gangsta, or nerdy kung fu master, they amplify these ideals.

When Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of his dream, I am damn sure he never meant for this to be the result. Yeah, everybody loves equality, but nobody likes fear. I’m not saying bring back Jim Crow, I’m saying if there is going to be equality, then they need to stop acting like a bunch of tight-ass, thick headed punks from whatever ghetto they say they popped out of.

I don’t see why it’s so hard for somebody to be normal, somebody who can function in society without having people watch their backs.

 The guy on the left looks like he just got some drugs, or did something illegal, whereas the guy on the right looks well-mannered and successful. I’d really not want to be around the guy on the left, but the guy on the right is okay, I wouldn’t give a second thought about anything dangerous from him.