Well I’m finally out of high school, and some weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. It’s a good thing too, because an entirely new load has fallen back on to them.

Thank God (Schoofs and Hemphill as well) for my car. It truly is a blessing, and I have used it a lot already to serve others. The only problem is that I drained out a lot of my savings to have it up and running, and I’m not going to be able to last out the summer if I don’t get a job. I’m a little scared, because I’ve heard many stories of those determined and experienced taking months to find any kind of job. Of course I’ll tough it out…but I’m really not practiced in the ways of dealing with the real world, and I don’t want to be a fool rushing in. Also, I’m not going to lie or hide this…I am in a lazy mind-set with summer peeking it’s head around the corner.

I’ve continued to chat with my father over the phone, and as time progresses, so do his issues. His contracting work is circling the drain, and he’s having a hard time finding work again. I’m worried that with summer on our doorsteps, that he will go through an extremely rough time. He’s already going to be missing my graduation (which we were planning on meeting up again) due to his circumstances, and I pray that he will make it out of this year on his feet. There is nothing I can really do except pick up the phone when he calls, and so I have to truly rely on God for him.

I’m very nervous about Kent State. It’s another of those unknown fears that I’m only afraid BECAUSE I don’t know what to expect. I’ll be in a dorm with someone most likely I’ve never met, which also means I’ll be living outside of my mom’s house. It may sound crazy, but it’s safe, it’s reliable. I’ve lived there for a good 8 years now…and even with all the hardships that came with it, it’s still my safehaven. Also the whole financial ordeal…will my job be able to cover expenses? Will I need to find a different job to maintain a balanced schedule to make sure I don’t fail out? How long would it take to find a different job…?

I hate to think about these kinds of topics, but I don’t want to be ignorant and just ignore them either. I feel real sympathy for all adults at this point. I’m not even out yet and I can feel the pressure.

At this point I realize the importance of what God was saying, and I’m thankful that what’s happened has happened and is in the past. All that can be done now is to work with the present. If it weren’t for this Body of Christ, I’d be way in over my head with everything going on. I’m so grateful that our Lord has led me to you, not only to work with my heart to be more loving, but also to break me down in an effort to make me more humble. Because of this group, I truly believe miracles still happen to this day. Thank you all, every single one of you.

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Oh man, when Satan hits, he hits hard. He tries to moves you out of Christ’s ballpark with every swing, and it hurts like you wouldn’t believe. The problem is that he doesn’t have the limit of “3 strikes and you’re out!”.

Today while at school (end of 3rd and beginning of 4th periods), I was given a green slip telling me that my presence was needed. It didn’t tell me who I was to talk to, so I went to the main offices. There I learned from the secretaries that it was from the ‘disciplinary’ principal who wanted to see me. He is commonly known in the school as a very intimidating and feared person. I was told to take a seat and wait for him to call me in. While waiting, another member of Xenos came in and sat next to me. He, too, was being called to the principal’s office.

We eventually were called in together and so began the “warning”. He told us about “claims of harassment towards a girl who has recently left the group”, and began lecturing us about the safety of the students inside the building. He told us that they will not let any of this kind of activity occur on school property. He also advised us not to harass this other student outside of school for her benefit.

I was highly amused at this as I haven’t harassed this student (nor has the any other student, as far as I know.) I haven’t even been “anti-harassing” her. In other words, I haven’t even been cold to her over the fact that she “left the group.” I told him, honestly and frankly, that I haven’t harassed her. The other person denied harassing her, too. He made a point of saying that “harassment doesn’t involve just saying things to her, but also includes giving her dirty looks…” This one example of the ways to harass others stood out to me because it seemed so silly. At that point I asked if I could speak on behalf of the church. I gave a brief description of our beliefs saying that we closely follow the Bible and follow the idea of grace above religious laws. He accepted the thought, but gave us the advice “make sure you don’t get into anything that will endanger you or seems obviously false.”

I knew that he was concerned for our well-being, and I do appreciate this. But I know that in saying this, he did not understand how the church operates. I didn’t want to press the matter as he had earlier commented that he wanted to make this quick so that we could get back to class. He finished the conversation emphasizing that we, nor anyone else in the group, should make any attempts to harass her, or to change our ways of harassing her, for “harassment is harassment.” If we did we would face dire consequences. I responded that same should be true for our accuser. We should not have to be subject to her harassment towards us. I stated that she should stop making comments to others labeling the group as an evil cult.

I was utterly confused on what the charges against me were. He never stated what it was we had done that was wrong. He did not give us a chance to defend ourselves before giving us this lecture.

Having some time to think about it, I came to the conclusion that the only possible complaint was a conversation I had with someone else that had been overheard by my accuser earlier this week. I sit at a table at lunch with the guy that was called into the principal’s office with me and another guy and a girl. My accuser sits at a table next to ours. I was defending my Christian faith with the girl who sits at my table that had a different view of which she kept reiterating every time the topic of the church group came up. I can only assume that my accuser overheard this conversation and felt offended. As a result, she went to our school’s police officer and members of my school’s administration to complain. Since I have not had personal conversation with her, this is my only other thought.

I have no idea how this situation will resolve. Personally I pray that justice will finally prevail for the Christian community, whether it’s my Christian friends or other Christian kids in other schools. I hope this brings an end to the persecution of Christian high school students. I hope this isn’t the beginning of a new persecution towards the Christian Body of Christ.

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Recently I’ve been having past thoughts pop back into my brain. I remember back in third grade I actually broke down in tears at this thought, and let me tell ya, that was one hell of a day.

“Why me? Why can I only observe life from my perspective? Out of all existence, why am I here in this time seeing the world? Is there anyone else who sees what I see? Am I the only real person in this world? Everybody else just seems like a physical object, and so do I when I look in the mirror. Is there anybody else who has thoughts like these? Is there even anyone who thinks like me?”

In the third grade, these thoughts made me feel so alone in the world. Not that I was alone, but even with those I was close to I felt very distant from. I’m not going to lie, it was terrifying to think about. I actually enjoyed it sometimes because it always took me out of where I was and sent chills down my spine. I don’t know, if anyone thinks I’m crazy, I’m guessing this is where it comes from, or at least a part of it. I especially hated this thought when I would look at a global map and try to figure my place, my little dot compared to the rest of the whole world. It made me feel insignificant and a waste of everybody’s time.

Around the time I accepted Christ, this thought was a very distant memory. When it did go into my head again, I laughed at the thought. I know now that I’m here for Christ, and His ever-lasting love never lets me feel so alone like how I felt earlier. As small as I may be in the world, I’m part of a Body that is incredibly enormous. Now it feels like the reverse. I feel what the world has to offer me is insignificant to what I already have. To be sure of an eternity with a loving Lord, I could honestly care less about the “finer things” of the world. Today practically everything I do is for the purpose of me trying to relate with others. It’s why I’m so intent on finding a car. It’s why I listen to music and watch T.V. It’s why I play sports with the guys. It’s why I have a really hard time of actually being able to sit down and figure out my college goals. Sure I tend to get sucked into some things, but looking back I think of such a waste it was to be involved in something so pointless.

So yeah, as a reflection I think I need to get my head straight and focus on some things I’ve put a warped thought to. I thought that college was insignificant, but now I realize that there is so much more I can do in college, and even later on I’ll be able to hold a more solid foundation for relations. Ha, I actually thought giving blood was insignificant on the basis that it’s only for the physical, mortal body. I realize now that if it can extend a life, there is more of a possibility that that person will get the opportunity to get saved.

I still have a lot to learn about….well…everything. I just want to thank everybody – and the Lord – for what has been given to me, and what I’ve learned. For we do deserve death, but the Lord’s love and mercy gives us a chance to actually live, and for that I’m eternally grateful.

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Alrighty then, I had to make an essay for English…and there wasn’t really a lot of time to complete it (so it may be a little rough around the edges), but I still like how it turned out, and yes this is my final draft, so laugh it up while you can.

Admiration Essay

My pastor is one of great intelligence, and even greater generosity. He has counseled many people over a long period of time for multiple reasons. There have been times when I would see him get into such heated discussions with others, only for them to end up realizing the error of their ways. So of course happy feelings are not always floating around, but the greatest lesson learned is one that is self-discovered. Seeing what he has been able to do for the fellowship he teaches proves how great he truly is. Even his children are a great reflection of his own character, because they show many qualities that he has taught them as a father. My pastor is a great man, not only for all of the lives he has touched, but also for his desire and persistence to continue helping all of those that he can.

As a pastor, the people in fellowship are drawn to him when seeking counsel for their own dilemmas. These topics can range anywhere from ‘how to deal with spiritual warfare’ to ‘dating and marriage.’ Whatever is thrown at him, he always manages to respond to these problems with such clarity, logic, and grace. One instance was when I had entered a state of depression to the extent that I blocked off everyone in my life, thinking that nobody would be able to understand my problem. He saw me build these walls, and so entered my life and essentially dragged me out of this pity pit I had dug for myself. He accomplished this by investing so much time and effort during my worst moments for the sole purpose of saving me from living a destructive lifestyle. What is truly amazing is that this did not occur over a period of a couple of hours, but instead lasted weeks! A lot of time was required to be able to successfully remove me from this mind-set, and his persistence to actually change my life makes me feel truly grateful to know him.

Another issue about being the pastor for this fellowship is the long-term commitment to the fellowship and the weekly teachings. Each week he prepares a power-point presentation to teach from the Bible, and the amount of effort is displayed immensely by his wonderful teachings that usually last over an hour. For one man to be able to commit to such responsibility proves in itself that he is truly a rare person in this modern world who is actually selfless. What he devotes for the benefit of those in the fellowship is still astonishing even after attending this group for over two years. He is a great role-model who I sincerely admire, essentially as a father-figure. His teachings always relate to events occurring in modern life, even though the sources come from centuries earlier, making them hit home on a personal level. His focus on Christian life-style is so edifying that I usually end up reflecting my own life from his teachings on a weekly basis. Any man with such an ability is truly one of greatness, and so my pastor is an answer to prayers in a time of great despair and perversion.

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Of course I’m not into any sort of drugs, but the title refers to the term “anti” for music. Personally, I think it’s the subtle, secret drug that everybody loves to enjoy. It makes thinking a lot more difficult, since it’s so easy to get lost in a catchy song, thus poor choices are made much more frequently while listening to music. Also, it makes the listener much less aware of their surroundings, especially while driving, which makes them much more accident-prone.

For one, it’s addicting. Once you find an awesome song, you can’t just listen to it once, you listen to it over and over again.

Once you are bored of that song, you begin looking for other songs that gave you the same feelings as the first song. Thus, your first great song is a gate-way into the world of music.

Every song gives you a little “feel-good” buzz that you prefer to listen to. So when you’re without your music for an extended period of time, that buzz becomes a craving. You become irritated and easily angered for no apparent reason.

You start wasting more and more of your time listening to music, getting lost in the rhythm or singing to the lyrics. Next thing you know, hours have gone by while just lounging around with some friends listening to your favorite songs.

There’s times when you just can’t stand someone because they listen to music you hate, making you more inclined to hang out with those in similar tastes of music.

Reason why I bring this up is because I’ve been undergoing a lot of stressful situations, and whenever I listen to music, things just seem better.

Mostly I’m nervous about juggling church, a job, and school. I know every senior whose graduated from Word was going through a similar ordeal, but I don’t know if I could do the same. Things always seem worse than they end up (prepare for the worst, hope for the best), and so sometimes I take a little bit of time to realize this, which makes some of the tension easy. I wouldn’t call it worry, but more or less anxious to get the ball rolling and see what happens.

Well whatever the case, I still haven’t gotten anything yet for school. No clothes or supplies at all. I don’t really need clothes, but I seriously need to get some supplies.

On a side note, without this church (the people, not the place), I would have no idea where I’d be in my life. I’m not even sure I’d still be alive. Without the Lord’s grace, things would be so different…and not in a good way. You guys always look out for each other, helping out wherever possible, even taking the crap the other people dish out without giving it back. I’m truly happy to know that I’m a part of the Body of Christ.

Funny thing is though that a year or so ago I had decided to make it big so that I could donate everything to Xenos, but the way things are looking, that may not happen. Since then I’ve learned more about other, more important ways of helping out, and I’ll definitely strive to do just that. I had made this decision based on where I was before I met the Lord. I feel like I’ve been given a completely new life, and a chance to make it signifcant. Of course, there is much more that I need to learn, but that comes in due time.

Heh, this blog has drastically changed in topic, but whatever. I haven’t written anything in a while, so I felt compelled to update things. It just feels weird to post an issue because I know there are those with much greater problems…so yeah….haha….

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It’s hard to believe that a week ago I had nothing to do and just lounged around. Since then I’ve become so flustered with everything that’s going on, I’m just waiting for it all to pass.

If you haven’t already heard, yes in fact I have gotten a job at Pancho’s, which isn’t too bad so far. My boss is awesome (generally able to work around the church meetings), the hours are great (from 4pm to closing), my coworkers are sweet (either friendly or familiar), and the work load isn’t too bad either.

My dad is swinging through the area, because of something having to do with his car and New York. I am really shaken up about this, mainly because it’s been roughly 4-5 years since I’ve last seen him. He’s coming today as a matter of fact, but I have work today as well. Luckily enough it’s my last day as a trainee, so I don’t have to go in until 6pm. I just feel like my new-found job is keeping me from spending an extended time with my dad, for I also have to work Wendsday, but I don’t want to make a schedule change after working only 3 days. So basically this conflicts with any possibility of me going with him to New York. Quite honestly, I have no idea how long he’s planning on staying in this area, which really makes planning any type of arrangement in itself impossible. I guess bottom line is that I feel like 1-2 days seems like a waste of time after waiting for years….but then again patience is a highly-regarded attribute that’s been rewarded in many cases throughout the bible.

That’s the other thing. I wanted him to witness a CT, or at least chat with Keith (if that’s alright with you Keith), because the church group is the most significant change in my life, and I would want nothing more (except to enter an eternity of grace with the Lord) than for him to experience it as well.

Hahaha, I can’t help but remember my last little turmoil that’s refreshing itself in my brain every minute or so. The assingments from the groups of Xenos are a real thorn in my thumb. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning about the Lord, and once I get into the assignments I feel so spiritually enriched, but the mindset I have on homework keeps me from this awesomeness. I’ve always hated homework with a passion, and my mind always tries to weasel its way out of the experience. Basically it takes a LOT of effort for me to willingly learn. I guess it’s mainly due to the laziness that’s been dwelling inside of me my whole life. I can honestly say it’s a real problem I have, to actually go from doing what I want to do to what I need to do.

I’m sure to many (if not all) who are reading this can say that it’s just something to overcome and deal with, and that is definitely something I’m working towards. I mean honestly, if it weren’t for Joe’s persistance, I would for sure be jobless to this day and just lounging around telling myself I’ll get to it later.

I know this whining and complaining is probably getting to you by now, so I’ll end it here for now, and go to learn something.

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Granted I haven’t finished the series yet (I finished the fifth, and so I have to find a copy of the sixth), the idea behind ka and Roland’s ka-tet shocked me when I started comparing some ideals. In Roland’s world (Mid-World), there is a popular belief of ka, which is very similar to the idea of fate. With his group there lies the formation of a ka-tet, which is a bond between the group that binds each other together in their quest for the Dark Tower. They pick up on emotions and thoughts (especially John ‘Jake’ Chambers) from each other that wouldn’t be possible in our world, and is actually not possible with people outside of their bond. When they start collecting secrets, they begin to break away from their ka-tet. It is clearly seen in the fifth book, and as well as the 3rd and the 4th, but the fifth screams it at you. So once they start breaking away, it’s harder to trust the other members, leading to the development of more secrets. The thing that keeps them together and from their possible destruction are their meetings. They sit together and share anything that is helpful, or is needed to be helped with, or just needed to be told.

This idea of ka-tet seems to go hand-in-hand with the Body of Christ. Those who have read the series please feel free to comment on this, and any possible mistakes I have made feel free to share. It just seems that when we start forming groups with the Body, secrets pop up more rapidly than a bag of popcorn enduring a lot of heat. I know that B and some others have stressed this point, but it is definitely something we need to work on. When these secrets form, it becomes obvious that the Body grows weaker, and begins to fade.

So that’s what I think about that, and like I said earlier, please feel free to comment, especially if you’ve read the series yourself.

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I don’t know the actual grades, but I was able to pull myself out a bit from the hole I had dug with my knee issues. I know my final exam grades, and let me tell ya, they are something to brag about (in my case anyways). I mean I got a B on my chem AP exam, I felt like I entered a dream when I saw that grade posted, and damn it felt good to still be there after a pinch. Both of my math classes were easy A’s, and so was art, though I’m pretty sure my art class will actually be a B for a final grade. Ah I’m so anxious to get my report card (mail was withheld while my mom went on vacation and I was down in Canton) and finally see what all of that frackin work was for.

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Ya know what? I haven’t a clue. Maybe some switches turned on, and maybe others turned off, but whatever the case, there is definitely some different lighting in my head.

I’d say that I’m pumped for this upcoming mission trip, especially since I earned the money to go. Before I was overwhelmed with worry that something would go wrong and I wouldn’t be able to make the money neccessary to go on the trip. I also want to point out that ever since last year when I went to camp Y-Noah for the C.I.T. (counselor in training) program, that I completely missed out on the opportunity to try to save some of the little rascals running amuck, or even an actual counselor for that matter. Since I won’t be going back their for the junior counselor program (enabling me to become an actual counselor), I feel like this is my only chance to redeem myself for my previous mistake.

If you haven’t been told by me yet, then I’ll spill the beans. My granny (on my mom’s side) has passed away as of yesterday in the early morning hours. From that information I can only assume she went in her sleep, which is practically the best way to go, in my opinion at least. When my mom told me she was clearly upset, and I wanted to be as well, but I just wasn’t able to produce any feelings of remorse. I tried looking solemn so my mom wouldn’t feel like I don’t care, but it didn’t really disturb me. I talked with B about it and what he told me confirmed my thoughts as to why I felt the way I did. He told me that she had lived a long life, and those who grow old do die, so feeling bad about her living a full life is stupid, especially if I didn’t know her to well. This I agree with completely, though I knew her fairly well. Sure I didn’t see her every day, or visit her frequently for that matter, but I grew up around her, and doing so created a bond between us. I know it sounds weird, but I felt that bond breaking when she started going into the hospital every year for various ailments. The thing that worries me is my mom, who went to work every day (where granny lived) and spent time with her despite her busy schedule. She grew up with her and went through much together, so letting her go won’t be easy. Knowing this I feel like I have to watch my every step so that she doesn’t know my unchanged condition, making the weak bond between us almost to the breaking point, if not over it.

With this said there will be calling hours on Thursday from 4-8pm, so I won’t be able to make the home-church.

Actually now that I think about it, I may just be in shock. It hasn’t really had a chance to sink in. Oh God I hope not.

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Oi vei. I am lost. There’s so many paths to choose from. I am stuck in the middle weighing pros and cons of each direction as time draws to a close. I must choose a path, but much will be lost. I know the school-year for my senior year will be fun, but summer will be one angry bitch to deal with. I think I’m one of the few students who actually wishes there isn’t a summer vacation for this year.

I want to get a job. I want to see my dad. I want to go on a bike trip. I want to get my license. I want to go on retreats and parties and camping trips. I want to go fishing. I want to attend CTs and HCs and Cells. Everything overlaps one-another, and I can’t do everything, or hardly anything without conflicting with something else.

It’s been five years since I’ve seen my dad. That means I haven’t seen him since I was twelve years old. He has missed my teenage experience. He calls every now and again, but sometimes it takes over a month for him to call again. I’d call him if it wasn’t for major long-distance phone bills that I’d be scolded for. The problem is that he lives in Alberta, Canada, so a trip of such extent would last at least two weeks. It’d be a waste (as stated by my mother) to just go for a week. It would take a nice chunk out of my summer, and possible any chance of getting a job would be lost asking for so much time off.

My other alternative is to get a job and raise some money. I need a means of transportation, especially since the senior guys will be leaving next year with their cars. If not a car, at least money to support those giving rides so that they won’t go broke wasting gas on us. I have a few opportunities, and so within the next week I’m going to start going into action.

Biking. Oh wow. I love it. It’s not a problem. It’s a great escape. It’s also an awesome chance to have solitary thought. Getting out of the house and into nature is one of the most beneficial things for me to experience. I absolutely love to hear the birds chirping and the wind blow across my face. I never have grown tired, but then again I haven’t gone on a full ride. Each time I do something happens to make me stop. Not that I’m saying organizing a prayer meeting is bad, but a bike accident is. I just can’t wait until the first Sunday after school lets out. I’m going to go for an all day ride. I still need to make preperations, but I’ll be ready for it.

There’s so much to do with so little time. All I can do right now is plan for the future. I need to get a job, but in order to do so I can’t see my dad. This is tearing me apart, but the fact that it’s not my last summer is what’s holding me together.

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